A Fathers’ Day Story of Love & Betrayal

Since my father died on May 27, 1993—my wedding anniversary–Father’s Day has always been painful. I watched him die a difficult, drawn-out death from a carnivorous cancer which started in his prostate and spread to his spine, paralyzing him. I read him the sports section everyday for the last two weeks of his life, quoting every line of each Yankee box score, and telling him the horse-racing results from race-tracks around the country. Baseball and horse-racing were my father’s passions. He had watched Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio & Mantle play ball in the Bronx, and had winning tickets on other thoroughbreds named Affirmed, Secretariat, Native Dancer, and Seattle Slew.

A few weeks after my father’s death, my friend Jim, invited me to join him at Yankee Stadium on Father’s Day. He had prime box seats behind the Yankee dugout. Jim knew I loved the Yankees, especially watching them play at the Stadium. What better way to feel closer to my father, I thought, than to be in the surroundings where we spent our sweetest hours together.

At least once a year, every August since I was 10 years old, my father was given use of the field box owned by the Pershing Square Building Corporation, his employer. Six days a week, every week, for 35 years, my father labored in the bowels of their building at 100 East 42nd Street, operating the old steam boilers, to make sure the lawyers and accountants who worked on the upper floors were comfortable.

My father knew I loved watching double-headers, and that none of the corporate executives who had first dibs on the tickets, wanted to sit in the sweltering sun on an August Sunday to watch two baseball games. For me, six solid hours of baseball was a double treat. The world consisted of nothing but baseball all day, and I had my father all to myself.

The seats I sat in on that first Father’s Day I was fatherless, were only a few rows behind where my father and I sat, year after year, inning after inning. I looked around the Stadium imagining I saw him everywhere. There he was, getting a beer, or mopping the sweat off his brow with a clean, white handkerchief. Each time I spotted an old guy with a beer belly, I thought of my father hauling his paunch up and down those flattened Stadium steps to “hit the ‘head,” as he said.

Maybe coming to Yankee Stadium so soon after my father’s death was not such a good idea, after all. I was grieving him deeply, quietly. Being there, so close to where he and I shared so many perfect moments, made me melancholy.  I was in the final months of my work in Mario Cuomo’s Administration, and was depressed over conversations I knew were going on between Cuomo, George Steinbrenner, Rupert Murdoch and NYS’ Commissioner of Economic Development Vincent Tese, to move the Stadium out of the Bronx and put it on the site of the West Side Rail Yards, in mid-town Manhattan. How dare they even think about doing that, I thought. My father is here.

I sat there, drinking in the Stadium’s atmosphere, memories swirling around me like one of those tiny dust tornadoes that swept across the infield every so often. I looked at the majestic white facades towering over right field and realized what a place of peace this was for us from an otherwise chaotic life. To remain silent while the old Stadium’s future was being decided would have been to commit a sacrilege against the memory of my father.

I knew how forcefully committed the Governor was to economic development, and how the sinister George Steinbrenner was threatening to move the Yankees to New Jersey if he didn’t get a brand new ballpark in Manhattan, where he could build high-priced skyboxes for corporate oligarchs. I knew that Rupert Murdoch was exploring the possibility of building a sprawling entertainment center, including TV studios, on the site of the new Stadium. And I knew that somehow, I had to find a way to stop this from happening.

That “way” came within days of my Father’s Day visit to Yankee Stadium. I came across a copy of a scheduled secret meeting between the Governor, Steinbrenner, Murdoch and Tese with a two-word topic: “Yankee Stadium.”   I knew I had to act quickly to create a public outcry to save the old Ballpark. With the forces of money and political power in New York aligned against the House that Ruth Built, I took the only route left open: I leaked the information about the “secret” Yankee Stadium meeting to New York Times Sportswriter, Richard Sandomir.

The following day, June 30, 1993, a front page story by the Times’ Ian Fisher carried a headline announcing: “Fearing Move by Yankees, Cuomo Explores Idea for a New Stadium.”   The Governor was livid, and was convinced that Sandy Frucher, a former top official in the Administrations of both Gov. Hugh Carey and Mario Cuomo, was the source of the leak because Frucher worked for Olympia-York, a company with an interest in the Rail Yards. Sandy insisted it wasn’t him, and he was right.   I was the “source close to the Governor” the New York Times quoted throughout the story.

The uproar caused by the Times story stopped the proposed move of Yankee Stadium to Manhattan, literally, in its tracks. And it bought the old Ballpark a reprieve of another 15 years, and kept the Bronx Bombers in the Bronx.

For me, I wasn’t proud of causing Mario Cuomo and Sandy Frucher some agita, but I also wasn’t about to let my pride, or anything else for that matter, get in the way of fulfilling a promise to my father: to keep the old Ballpark alive, long after he was gone.

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Coming Out from Behind the Grill for Fathers’ Day

11053234_10153433033222959_1227268216350358418_oAs each Fathers’ Day approaches, I realize something new about myself.

I’ve always hating BBQ grilling.

I’ve always loved the taste of BBQ’d food: its the smokey, grimy cooking of it I’ve never liked–the hours of prep, the clean-up afterwards, the inevitable yellow-jackets, flies and mosquitos, and, most-of-all, pretending that–as a right of fatherly male passage–I actually liked the ritual. The hunter/gatherer grilling food OUTDOORS for his family: Man in charge of provisions! What a crock!

In the age of crockpots, Costco, Safeway, Whole Foods, and lots of good natural food restaurants there’s no reason to put myself through such torture, especially since I hate the smell of BBQ igniting fluid, charcoal is dangerous to your health, and, I’ve witnessed the shrapnel-like effect of gas grill explosions. Why would anyone willingly subject themselves to this? To prove you’re a good father? BULL. I know I’m a terrific father, and grandfather, and a terrible BBQ’er. So what? Another suburban male myth bites the dust.

This week, I gave a friend my last BBQ Grill– a sleek, red, electric model, that I probably used 6 times over the past 6 years. How liberating!

I still love entertaining and eating and socializing over good food and wine. But, if you want to catch me at a BBQ, you’ll have to invite me to yours.

I’m a very good guest…

“Why CAN’T A Woman, Be More Like A Man?”

“Why Can’t A Woman Be More Like A Man?"

“Why Can’t A Woman Be More Like A Man?”

 

What is a woman’s mind? A woman’s soul? A woman’s heart? Does it exist? Is it any different from a man’s? Caitlyn Jenner thinks so. So does Vanity Fair. So do the misogynists in the Republican Party. And so, apparently did Henry Higgins, a century ago:

From My Fair Lady: “A Hymn to Him” (Henry Higgins, lamenting to his male friend Pickering, a century ago, of ‘Why can’t a woman be more like a man.”

Henry: What could’ve depressed her?

What could’ve possessed her?

I cannot understand the wretch at all.

Women are irrational, that’s all there is to that!

Their heads are full of cotton, hay, and rags!

They’re nothing but exasperating, irritating,

vacillating, calculating, agitating,

Maddening and infuriating hags!

[To Pickering]

Pickering, why can’t a woman be more like a man?

 

Pickering: I beg your pardon?

 

Henry:

Yes…

Why can’t a woman be more like a man?

Men are so honest, so thoroughly square;

Eternally noble, historically fair;

Who, when you win, will always give your back a pat.

Why can’t a woman be like that?

Why does ev’ryone do what the others do?

Can’t a woman learn to use her head?

Why do they do ev’rything their mothers do?

Why don’t they grow up- well, like their father instead?

Why can’t a woman take after a man?

Men are so pleasant, so easy to please;

Wherever you’re with them, you’re always at ease.

Would you be slighted if I didn’t speak for hours?

 

Pickering:

Of course not!

 

Henry:

Would you be livid if I had a drink or two?

 

Pickering:

Nonsense.

 

Henry:

Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers?

 

Pickering:

Never.

 

Henry:

Well, why can’t a woman be like you?

One man in a million may shout a bit.

Now and then there’s one with slight defects;

One, perhaps, whose truthfulness you doubt a bit.

But by and large we are a marvelous sex!

Why can’t a woman take after man?

Cause men are so friendly, good-natured and kind.

A better companion you never will find.

If I were hours late for dinner, would you bellow?

 

Pickering:

Of course not!

 

Henry:

If I forgot your silly birthday, would you fuss?

 

Pickering:

Nonsense.

 

Henry:

Would you complain if I took out another fellow?

 

Pickering:

Never.

 

Henry:

Well, why can’t a woman be like us?

Why can’t a woman be more like a man?

Men are so decent, such regular chaps.

Ready to help you through any mishaps.

Ready to buck you up whenever you are glum.

Why can’t a woman be a chum?

Why is thinking something women never do?

Why is logic never even tried?

Straightening up their hair is all they ever do.

Why don’t they straighten up the mess that’s inside?

Why can’t a woman behave like a man?

If I was a woman who’d been to a ball,

Been hailed as a princess by one and by all;

Would I start weeping like a bathtub overflowing?

And carry on as if my home were in a tree?

Would I run off and never tell me where I’m going?

Why can’t a woman be like me?

(This version redacted–only slightly– straight (?) from the Republican Party Platform of 2016, and from the Editorial Boad Policy of Vanity Fair Magazine.”)

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Hillbilly Kills Philanthropy

Just when you think it’s safe for Hillary to run for President against a field of Republican racists, homophobes, misogynists, fanatics, science-denialists and fools, her husband is caught getting hand-jobs from non-profit organizations, corporations, U.S. contractors and governments around the world.

These hand-jobs for Bill are not cheap tricks. The minimum price tag for them is $500,000, and the payoff can be as little as the Hillbilly yodeling for 30 minutes or more at a corporate or non-profit dinner, to as much as billions of dollars in US government contracts—or foreign aid—when Hillary was Secretary of State.

This is serious stuff,  and raises a “fundamental question of judgement” on Hillary’s part, relevant to the 2016 Presidential campaign, according to Lawrence Lessing of Harvard University’s Safra Center for Ethics. Journalist David Sirota writes in the May 29 issue of “Truthdig,” that while Hillary Clinton was Secretary of State her agency approved “$165 billion of commercial arms sales to Clinton Foundation Donors.” As bad as that may be, Sirota reported on the number of foreign governments—some of whom had clear records of human rights violations–currying favor with the US government for foreign aid, by donating large sums of money to the Clinton Foundation.

These reports have sickened me. I want Hillary to be better than her Hillbilly husband. I want my granddaughters to grow up under a female President. But it smells of the same kind of shakedown artistry which Bill Clinton has always used to bastardize philanthropy on a grand scale.   A front-page story in the May 30, 2015, New York Times headlined “Clinton Award Included Cash to Foundation,” illustrates how the Hillbilly has strangled honest giving and made fools of philanthropists.

The Times reported on the “Happy Hearts Fund”, the charity established by model and Phuket Tsunami survivor Petra Nemcova, which paid a $500,000 fee to the Clinton Foundation for the Hillbilly to receive an award and speak at the non-profit’s gala, held on the 10th Anniversary of the Tsunami last year, at Cipriani’s in NYC.

Cipriani’s is a pricey place to hold an event. As a CEO of a NYC based, national non-profit for nearly a decade, I avoided Cipriani’s because of its high pricetag.   The “Happy Hearts Event,” cost Nemcova $363,000—before—she paid the Hillbilly’s speaking fee of half-a million dollars. That meant that operating costs for the event—including the Clinton shakedown—neared the 50% level of the $2 million the gala raised: an unconscionable cost figure for ANY non-profit, in violation of all industry standards.

Executive Director of “Happy Hearts,” Sue Veres Royal, was dismissed for disagreeing with Nemcova’s numbscull spending, and she told the Times: “ The Clinton Foundation had rejected the Happy Hearts Fund invitation more than once, until there was a thinly veiled solicitation and then an offer of an honorarium….Petra called me and said we have to include an honorarium for him—that they don’t look at these things unless money is offered, and it has to be $500,000.” (Here’s the link to a copy of the invoice: http://nyti.ms/1FHg12n ) 

Columbia University’s Doug White, who heads the school’s Masters Program in Fund Raising Management was flabbergasted: This is primarily a small but telling example of the way the Clintons operate…I find it—what would be the word?—distasteful.”

The “Happy Hearts” attack, was not the first time the Hillbilly filched from philanthropists.   Just one year earlier, the Israeli Jewish National Fund agreed to pay Bill Clinton $500,000 to deliver a 45-minute speech at a 90th Birthday celebration for Israeli President Shimon Peres at the Peres Academic Center.

Jews like me, and in Israel, were furious. For decades, we supported the Jewish National Fund by “Planting Trees in Israel”, for $10 per tree, or three for $25, to celebrate birthdays and anniversaries, and to commemorate the lives of family members who died. I planted one by hand, myself, in a JNF forest in 1991, to honor Harry Jacobson, the patriarch of my wife’s family.

The outcry from Jews who had trusted the JNF to spend our money on growing Israel’s forests, not the Hillbilly’s bank account, forced the JNF to rescind its pay-off to Bill. While the Clinton Foundation claimed it “redirected” the payment made to another charity, the highly respected Israeli publication Ha’aretz reported that after one year, the Clinton Foundation still had not repaid the JNF some $250,000.

The Clintons, it seems, find none of this distasteful and they can’t see past their greed for greenbacks to the green forests or trees. To the Hillbilly, those rolling hills of green are piles of cash, awaiting harvest.  Or, to turn the old Chinese proverb on its head:  every crisis, including Tsunamis that kill 200,000 people,  is an opportunity to clean up.

ZaZen: Finding Peace with Pain

 

Steve:   Hello, Buddha….

Anatta:   I prefer to be called Anatta. It means, a “Not-Self” being.

S: Ahhh….a “Not-Self” being….A-NOT-A

A: Like a tree.

S: Beautifully expressive…

A: A Not-Self can’t have a God. If there is no God, there is no war; the absence of ego and ego-derivatives…A bliss.

S: How often do you meditate? 

A: Everyday, every breath. One needs a clear mind to observe all things.

S: I agree. I find some of my best meditation and thinking and observation comes on long walks, listening to music….

A: You mean by listening to the sounds of nature. We are nature. 

S: I love how you practice your philosophy…what are some of your favorite readings?

A:  History, science of the human mind, and Buddhism. I love reading about plants as well.

S: How have you arrived at your philosophy/way of living?

A: I sat for a very long period of time. In it, I see my life clearly. I work, eat, exercise, and I meditate. My life and my practice are one: one habit.

 S: How did you achieve that?

A: I have to meditate just like I have to eat. Sleeping is a break for the modern body.

S: I sleep well….but I have yet to integrate all so well….

A: Meditating is a break for your mind.

S: How long was your “long” meditation to put your life in perspective?….Frequently, my meditation will lead me to sleep….Sometimes, I use my mantra to help me fall asleep….

 A: There is no such thing as life “in perspective.” You see your life clearly. There is no “perspective.”

S: Isn’t seeing your life clearly putting it “in perspective?”

A: You sleep because your body needs a break. Your noisy mind also exhausts your body. One must “sit meditation”, to give your mind a break…

S: But as a writer I need to plumb the depths of my mind and my heart….

A: When you write you write; When you rest you rest.

S: Sometimes when I mediate, my mind wants to create….haiku, poems, chapters, scenes in plays….

A: Let it be.

S: But, if all is one, why do we differentiate the processes?

A:   It will go away.

S: What will go away?

A: Any thoughts, perceptions.

S: How long do you meditate for each day, when you sit to meditate?

A:   In the morning, and at night for 30,45 minutes.

S: Immediately upon awakening?

A: Yes. When you dream, your mind was at work.

S: I always dream, and I dream frequently each night, and in many colors….

A:   Then you must wake up and rest your mind. It needs a break; we have a very noisy mind.

S: You’re telling me! Mine is like a symphony!

A:   Yes, but even in a symphony there exists silence; rests.  Maybe more silent notes than we can hear.

S: I agree. Rest notes are a key part of music…

 A: When I fall asleep during meditation, I stop and go to sleep immediately

S:  Sometimes, I meditate myself to sleep.

 A:  No. When one practices ZaZen, one is already awakened.

S:  What is ZaZen?

 A:  “Sit” meditation.

S:  So you don’t practice meditation laying down?

A: I find ZaZen most difficult yet most natural. Lots of pains when practicing ZaZen. That is why I do it.

 S: What kind of pains? 

A: Back pain, leg pain, body pains of all kinds.

S: Do you sit cross-legged on the floor?

A: Burmese style; not cross-legged.  Sit evenly on 3 points. Middle point located right in the middle of your body, on your tailbone. Search for half-lotus “sit meditation” techniques on-line.

S: I will. But I don’t understand why one would willingly want to be in pain during meditation?

 A: Ahhhhh. Bingo! Now you understand it.

S: What? That pain must accompany true meditation? 

A: Yes.

S: But why?

A: Why not?

S: That is not an answer…

A:  Pain exists, right?

S: So does lack of pain…

A: Yes; both exist. It comes and goes uninvited.

S: Why not choose lack of pain as the preferred state of existence?

A: Don’t we do that everyday already?

S: Not always, although preferably.

A: Why?

S: Isn’t lack of pain less stressful? Shouldn’t meditation be designed to reduce stress?

A: Why do we attach to something that does not belong to be us?

S: What? The body?

A: Comforts and discomforts come and go by themselves.

S: So then why encourage discomfort by meditating in an uncomfortable, sometimes painful pose? Why can we not choose lack of pain?

A: You sit and watch them kindly, no judgment intended.

S: My mother lived with pain most of her life–from polio, from arthritis…

A: Ahhh…She had great powers of concentration to overcome her pain…Why suffer twice?

S: But, isn’t it part of the human condition to avoid suffering? Is it humane to choose to suffer? Is it rational?

A: That is why we suffer twice as much.

S: Why?

A: Clearly, there is pain in our body from time to time.

S: Yes.

A: So why encourage it? There is pain in the mind, created by the pain of the body.

S: But doesn’t the mind seek to be pain free, and doesn’t the mind seek for the body to be pain free? Isn’t that rational?

A: If we don’t judge the pain in the body, there is no pain in the mind. So we can only suffer once, which is pain in the body

S: I’m not talking about judging it; I’m talking about feeling it….

A: Yes, bodily senses. 

S: Do you mean to train the mind NOT to feel the pain your body feels? Here’s how I look at it: 1. there is pain; 2. the body feels the pain. 3. the mind is sensing the pain the body feels; So, are you saying that the  more you live with the bodily pain, the more your mind gets used to it?

A: Find peace with it.

S: And you find peace with pain by willingly enduring it during meditation?

A: Next time try this: when an itch arises, don’t scratch it.  Pay attention to it as if it is a masterpiece in a museum. Feel it.

S: Mind conquering matter?

A:   No

S: Mind coping with matter?

A: The point is to pay attention to our discomforts, as you would pay attention to everything…See it as impermanence…

S: But, if you want to integrate your meditation into every part of your life, to give your mind a rest, then why add another variable–pain–into the mix?

A: We are trained to dislike discomforts.

S: Yes. Isn’t that a natural condition? To seek to be pain free?

A: Why does one hate?

S: Difference. Fear.

A: It is all the same. We hate and fear pain because it is different.

S: So, we should seek out pain the way we should seek out people of different cultures and backgrounds?

A: All that is discomfort…

S: Embrace what makes you uncomfortable?

A: If you are trained to find peace with your own discomforts, yes;  you can find peace with all discomforts that you encounter externally. Because the discomforts are not yours…

S: The discomforts are not yours?

A: Discomforts come and go.

S: So you don’t own them?

A: No. So why judge them? Just watch your discomforts..the Non-Self. That is what I do during my meditation. I observe my discomforts…very kindly and politely. Detachment.

 

 

Kent State & the Radicalization of My Mother

This week marked the 45th anniversary of the Kent State killings, when four college students were gunned down for protesting the War in Vietnam.

A photo, forever burned into memory, electrified the nation. A distraught young woman, her mouth open in a silent scream of terror, knelt over the dead body of a college student from Long Island, 20-year old Jeffrey Miller who was shot and killed by Ohio National Guardsmen. It could have been me.

My mother, a diminutive, chunky Italian women became radicalized by the killings of “ those kids” at Kent State, as she called them.   I was one year older than Jeffrey Miller, and in my junior year of college at a State University in upstate New York.   I was active in local anti-war rallies, demonstrations and marches on Washington. My mother looked at the photos of Jeffrey Miller on TV and in the newspapers, and all she saw was me.

She knew I stood face to face with a National Guardsman’s bayonet during one of those “Moratorium” marches. She knew I was tear-gassed. Each time I embarked upon a new crusade, my mother warned me to “be careful”, gnawing what was left of her finger-nails.

My mother was no stranger to hardship and struggle. Born during the polio epidemic of 1915, she was paralyzed on one side of her body. She was carted off to a “Crippled Children’s Home,” (the actual name of the place), where, as a young child, she saw children her own age living in an iron-lung, fighting for each breath. She considered herself fortunate that only her right arm was paralyzed.

Kept out of public swimming pools in NYC and summer camps in the Catskills because she was a “Polio Kid,” my mother developed a determination to overcome all odds, and a natural empathy with outsiders. She found her public champion and life-long hero in fellow-polio battler Franklin D. Roosevelt, who, as Mario Cuomo eloquently said, “lifted himself out of his wheelchair while lifting a nation from its knees.”

Kent State radicalized her, despite the growing conservatism of most suburban Italians, and the Catholic Church’s unconscionable support for the war. Every college student, demonstrating against the war, was her child. Every act of protest, was an act of courage. She saw herself defying the odds; she saw her son defying a war which she did not want to see him fight.

Each Christmastime at our modest split-level suburban home on Noble Street in North Babylon, New York, it was my job to put up the Christmas lights. I enjoyed the task because I enjoyed the season. But that year, Christmas 1970, as the war in Vietnam raged on, I decided to use our lights to make a political statement in our conservative, working-class neighborhood.

I shaped the Christmas lights into a huge Peace Sign, taking up the entire height and width of the big Bow Window at the front of our house. My father, more politically conservative than my mother and a WWII Veteran, was not comfortable with my Holiday handiwork, but my Mother, with visions of Kent State still dancing in her head, defended it proudly as a symbol of peace, during a season of peace.

A few nights before Christmas, my mother’s brother Angelo “Eddie” Desimone, a big bruiser of a man with the largest hands I had ever seen, came for a visit. As soon as he pulled up in front of our house, he spotted “Stephen’s Peace Sign.” He entered the house and before saying hello to my mother, demanded to know why she allowed such a “Communist” sign to deface our house. Uncle Eddie towered over my mother. When he was younger he had knocked out half the patrons of a bar in a brawl. He was menacing. He was ranting about “communists” like me, bringing America down.

My mother was wearing a housedress and a flour-covered apron with her paralyzed right arm hanging limply by her side.  She was at least a full-foot shorter than her brother.   She raised her voice to match my uncle’s, and told him that it was a “peace” sign. Without yielding an inch, she argued that her youngest son was no communist but a lover of peace, and that if he didn’t like it, he could leave. My uncle left.

Uncle Eddie had committed the original sin with my mother: he attacked the character of her son. He knew Margaret Julia Villano would not back down. Yet, what he could never understand, was how much Kent State had radicalized my mother, and how she now considered all students protesting the war to be her children.