’Twas 12 days after Christmas,
And all through the House,
All the GOPers were screaming,
To elect their Chief Louse.
Some candidates were hung
On Pence scaffolds with care,
In hopes that the pallbearers,
Soon would be there.
The Democrats were nestled,
All snug in their seats,
While visions of a new 1/6 bloodbath,
Danced in the streets.
Paul Ryan in his pajamas,
John Boehner in his cap,
Had just settled down
For their long, rich men’s naps.
When on the House floor
There arose such a clatter;
They turned on Fox News
To see what was the matter.
It was that little old terror,
So cuddly and cute,
They knew in a moment
It must be St. Newt.
“Now, JORDAN! Now KEVIN;
Now, ROY COHN & NIXON!
On, SCALISE! On GREENE GAETZ!
On BANNON, and VIXEN!”
“To the top of the Capitol,
To spread poop on the walls,
Oops, we did that 2 years ago,”
St. Newt said to all.
And then, in a twinkling,
They heard in the Rotunda,
A rumble so loud,
It came from the Ground Under.
They sucked in their breath,
Ready for ANY bastard,
When out from Foggy Bottom,
Emerged Denny Hastert.
He was dressed all in fur,
From his white head to his feet,
The longest serving GOP Speaker —
Now, Isn’t THIS sweet!
He’s from the Midwest,
A Wrestling Coach, too!
And, best of all, for QAnon,
He’s not Black, Gay, nor Jew!
So what if he was jailed,
As a “serial child molester?”
He was an Evangelical Christian,
Who resembled Uncle Fester.
Hastert spoke not a word,
And went straight to his work;
He mounted the dais,
And ground out a giant twerk!
He was just who they needed
To lead with a smile;
A tested, re-elected,
Imprisoned Pedophile!
He sprang to the Speakers post,
To his team’s whoops and whistles;
Hastert was back on top!
Let all those Libs bristle!
Then, we heard him exclaim,
While they gave him the gavel —
“I’ve served time for my crimes —
There’s nothing left to unravel!”
So, on the 12th Day of Christmas,
It was a GOPiphany, of sorts;
Their thick-skinned new Speaker,
Bore all their own ugly worts.