With Apple unveiling its newest gizmo, the Dick Tracy watch, it’s time to look at two technological toys that have come under attack.
Drones, those darting, dive-bombing Deus Ex Machinas, are finally facing a few flimsy regulations, after one landed on the White House lawn in the middle of the night, because its operator was drunk. Fortunately, that DWI delinquent drone was not carrying a nuclear payload or deadly chemicals.
At the same time, museums like the Metropolitan Museum of Art in Manhattan, are banning the use of “Selfie-Sticks”, as dangers to their own users and other patrons, as well as to the priceless artwork that self-absorbed numbsculls might knock over in their headlong haste to capture a head-shot of themselves right next to the sculpture of the Head of King David, which dates back to 1145 AD.
In the spirit of Apple’s new Watch, I’ve got a creative solution to these techie mind-twisters, eliminating the need for “Selfie-Sticks” and putting responsible limits on drones, holding “droners” directly accountable for their operation. It’s called the CellDrone, and I’m offering my idea to Apple or China’s DJI Technology Company, the world’s biggest maker of drones.
The CellDrone would work something like this. Designed to fit in your pocket like an Iphone, the CellDrone, is twice the thickness of your average mobile phone. Once turned on, the CellDrone can be used as a normal Iphone to make phone calls, send texts, scan social media, find pizza places, play music, search contacts, or take photos.
However, here’s where the CellDrone soars! A new button on top of the phone, when pressed three times, transforms it into an Optimus Prime-like Drone before your very eyes. In order to operate the CellDrone, you’ve got to turn on your matching CD (for CellDrone) WristWatch—way cooler than the Apple Watch– and press the “activation” button three times as well. Multiple, coordinated button-pressing is required to avoid accidental activation, like “butt droning” especially if the CellDrone user is in a tightly enclosed space, like a subway car, bus, bathroom stall, or a micro-apartment.
Once the CD Watch is coordinated with the CellDrone, the user can give voice commands to the CellDrone through a microphone in the CD Watch. The new voice recognition system in the CellDrone/CD Watch is highly sophisticated and precise, able to distinguish a Brooklyn accent from a Southern Drawl or Mandarin Chinese, as well as the slurred speech of inebriated or stoned users. Sorry, Siri.
When the CellDrone user wants to take a “selfie” photo from a distance greater than arms-length, he or she simply activates the CellDrone, sets the distance on his CD watch (cannot exceed 10 feet) and speaks into the CD Watch the word “Photobomb.” The CellDrone then snaps multiple photos of the user and others with the user. Unlike a “Selfie Stick” which can poke people in the eyes, puncture art canvases or knock over statues, the CellDrone is programmed with a remarkably sensitive sonar field which can “feel” the presence of any object within a few inches. Upon sensing a strange object within its field of “photobombing,” the CellDrone will, bat-like, automatically land and attach itself to the CD Watch, which acts as its control tower.
If the CellDrone user tries to move more than 10 feet from the device, the CellDrone will not fly, regardless of the volume or number of voice commands. If the CellDrone user tries to abuse the CellDrone for other than “photobombing” purposes, the CD Watch is pre-programmed to immediately contact 9-1-1. Tweet that, ISIS!
While the CellDrone is intended for close, personal photographic use only, and not for the delivery of packages, bombs or anthrax, nor intended to cross the flight paths of commercial jetliners potentially causing deadly air collisions, the CD Watch will be required for ALL Drone users, commercial or personal. What the CD Watch technology would mean for every “droner”, is that ALL drones, regardless of size or payload, once activated, will automatically return to the wrist of the user. The used drone can only be removed from the CD Watch at a fully licensed Drone Removal Clinic (or, DR. Clinic), where a full history of the usage and user of the Drone will be taken, along with the user’s picture. CD Watches—and this should please potential producers — can never be removed from users’ wrists, are waterproof, and can register how far you run, walk, bike or swim.
This advanced CellDrone technology and CD Watch system will wipe out “Selfie-Sticks”, protect priceless art, and avoid accidents between humans and drones, holding “droners” strictly liable for their actions. Now, for the swarms of military and spy drones being used…