Sometimes, there’s a much deeper, hidden explanation for how people behave.
(“Hedwig & the Angry Inch” was the brilliant stage musical of 1998—turned into a film three years later—written by the talented actor John Cameron Mitchell, with music and lyrics written by Stephen Trask. It’s the story of a Queer performer whose life took a different cut then they expected. The unique musical and film were the inspirations for this poem).
Zuckwig and his Insecure Inch,
Ungrateful for his billions, like a Grinch.
Nevermind he bought half of Kauai for swimmin,’
He measures his worth by how he trashes women.
A college flunky who couldn’t ask for dates,
Zuckwig is consumed with piles of vile self-hate;
Makes an App to anonymously give girls a rating,
Saving him from their sneers and nerd/weakling hating.
“I’ll show them” says Zuckwig,
“I’ll become very rich.”
“I’ll make them like me,
Not give me the ditch.”
So, he sprinkles some Winklevoss dust on their photos,
And vows not to look like some creepy Quasimoto.
Training his voice to sound like Theranos’ Lizzy Holmes,
Zuckwig vows to stop being a gnarly little gnome.
He takes martial arts, testosterone too,
Wears $900,000 watches, such a masculine brew.
He feels Joe Rogan’s biceps, hardens his rump,
Then schleps his little ass, to bow before Trump.
In with “Masculine Energy,”
Out with “Toxic Masculinity,”
Shouts the Artificial Hunk,
Who only ‘virtually’ lost his virginity.
Zuckwig declares war on Equity, Diversity and Inclusion,
And considers “All-Gender” banos to be too much of an intrusion.
His Tiny Little Inch, feeling suddenly insecure—
Suppose a Trans Man came in, with something not so demure?
Now, he can sit with the big boys,
With Trump, Bezos and Musk,
Flash his BIG expensive watch,
And brandish his false tusks.
His deep Elizabeth Holmes voice
Revealing nary a flinch,
No one could suspect,
Zuckwig has only one, tiny Insecure Inch.